The Early Works of Carl Warmenhoven

I recently visited the National Comedy Archives in Tarterville, Oklahoma and uncovered a complete transcript of veteran comedian (and longtime assistant manager at Seattle’s Comedy Underground) Carl Warmenhoven’s first stand-up performance. It is reprinted below in its entirety:

So I heard women want the right to vote. What’s next, the Chinese?

HELLO HELLO IS THIS MEGAPHONE ON?

What’s the deal with autogyro food? I wouldn’t feed that stuff to the Kaiser!

Have you heard the new waxed cylinder from Scott Joplin? Ragtime?! More like ON the rag, time! Am I right, ladies?

Just kidding. Ladies aren’t allowed in Humor Clubs.

Woman’s suffrage? These women are causing ME suffrage! In my KNICKERBOCKERS!!

I tell ya, this prohibition is for the birds! I was at a speakeasy with my tomato the other night and they charged me FIVE cents for a cup of hooch! Can you believe this? Extortion, I tells ya! And it tasted like something from Rutherford B. Hayes‘ beard!

So have you seen this new book Mein Kampf? I don’t read German but the author looks like Charlie Chaplin! What a lulu! His face looks like it got run over by a horseless carrage! I’m no Great Gatsby, but compared to this Hitler fella, I get more dames than Fatty Arbuckle!

As you know, the president authorized military force to hunt down and kill a known terrorist this week. Yes, Pancho Villa is finally dead. The president , however, is refusing to release photos of the body because cameras haven’t been invented yet.

On a serious note, Carl recently suffered a stroke and is struggling to pay his medical bills. If you get a chance, please check out the benefit shows going at the Comedy Underground in Seattle or donate online.