New Year’s Resolutions, 1985

December 31, 1985

PAUL’S LIST OF NEW YEAR’S THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN LIST!
(Note from Author – I didn’t know they were called “resolutions” at the time.)

1) Learn all the words to every Prince song and figure out what they mean. (Sex?)

2) Save up for purple leather pants like Brutus Beefcake. I think they would look totally awesome on me. Especially if I covered them up with like A HUNDRED bandanas!

3) If I can’t save up enough for the leather pants, then maybe I’ll get those zipper pants I saw at Mr. Rags. They had zippers all over!

4) Move to that town in Footloose. Dancing is stupid!

5) Form a heavy metal band. Possible band names: Kill Masters, Dragonslay, Beast Warriors, Lords of Awesomewood . . .

6) Join the school wrestling team. Can’t wait to show off my mask and cape! I wonder if I need to bring my own fog machine?

7) Become a stand-up comedian. I’ve already written THREE JOKES! Check it out:

• A-team? More like the GAY TEAM!

• Where’s the beef? More like Where’s MY beef?

• Mikhail Gorbachev? More like “Hello, I have a map on my head!” WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?!” Am I right?! Ladies? HELLO?!

8) Locate brick wall to tell jokes in front of.

9) Send jellybeans to President Ray-Gun! HA-HA-HA! He’s old.

10) Engage in further research on the McDLT to determine what, exactly, keeps the “hot side hot and cool side cool”.

11) Build a time machine like in “Back to the Future” so I can go back to 1980 and stop Culture Club.

12) Prepare for the coming communist invasion by learning karate, collecting weapons and forming a militia. Possible militia names: The Commie Crushers, Chuck Norris Karate Commandos, Lords of Awesomewood . . .

13) Learn Russian, in case the whole militia thing doesn’t work out.

14) Invest all my money I inherited from my Aunt Margaret in this little company I read about called “Micro-soft”. Ha! Just kidding. That’s the stupidest name for a company ever. Plus computers are for NERDS! I’m putting all my money in the X-Treme Laser Tag League. ZAP! You just got LAZERED!

15) Kiss a girl. (Just kidding–that’s gross!)

(Originally published in City Arts Magazine, Jan 2011)